


A True, Full Love

by Rae325



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Adorable idiots in love, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Sappy very in love Gwendolyn, Scared Mildred figuring out how to let in the woman she loves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29110668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae325/pseuds/Rae325
Summary: A moment from the nascent relationship between Mildred and Gwen, where Mildred is haunted by the past and tries to find safety with the woman she loves.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 24
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

Gwen has become used to waking up to find Mildred awake and staring at her with a contented smile on her face. Gwen has never been a morning person, has always hated being pulled from sleep. But waking up to Mildred lying besides her, sometime with a book in her hands, but more commonly simply gazing at Gwen, has certainly improved Gwen’s mornings. But this morning when Gwen wakes the bed is empty. She hears the shower running and sees the first light of morning streaming in through the bedroom window. It’s odd for Mildred to get out of bed this early on the weekend with how fond she has become of seducing Gwen in the morning.

Gwen stretches, shakes off the remnants of sleep, and walks to the bathroom to check on Mildred. “Good morning darling. It was lonely in bed without you.”

“I’m sorry. Are you feeling alright?” There’s worry in Mildred’s voice, and Gwen knows that how much her health weighs on Mildred.

“I’m fine darling.” Gwen doesn’t know how she would have gotten through the first three rounds of chemotherapy without Mildred. She’s been by Gwen’s side every moment, rubbing her back through spells of nausea, kissing Gwen’s bald head and telling her she’s beautiful. In those awful few days after her treatment, when Gwen can barely move any further than to the bathroom, Mildred’s love is the only thing that has made Gwen want to keep fighting. These last months have been everything Gwen never let herself imagine she could have. “Since we’re both up early, what would you say to me joining your shower?”

Mildred’s silence catches Gwen off guard. They had taken things slowly at first, but once Mildred was comfortable, they had been on a bit of a new relationship high, enjoying sex nearly every day. Gwen feels anxiety settle in the pit of her stomach as the silence stretches on. “Mildred?”

“I-“

Gwen waits but Mildred doesn’t say anything more. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to come in the shower with me.” Mildred’s voice is raspy and high, and Gwendolyn recognizes this tone as one that Mildred gets when she’s fighting back memories of the past. Gwen is slowly learning to recognize the little hints Mildred gives even though expressing what she’s feeling can still be hard for her, especially if it’s about her childhood.

“Thank you for telling me.” Gwen mind flashes back to the marionette show. She fears ever putting Mildred in a position again where she agrees to do something that hurts her just to please Gwen. “I’m so glad you told me what you wanted darling.” Gwen thinks she hears a few shaky breaths. She watches Mildred crumble to the floor of the tub in silhouette behind the shower curtain. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

There’s no answer, and Gwen watches Mildred’s shoulders shake with the effort to hold back sobs. Gwen aches with the desire to get into the shower and cradle Mildred in her arms, but she would never push Mildred’s boundaries that way. “Do you want me to stay here or wait outside for you?” There’s a moment of silence again and Gwen wishes desperately that she knew how to help Mildred. And then Gwen sees Mildred’s hand emerge from behind the shower curtain.

“Hold my hand?”

Gwen takes Mildred’s hand in her own. The touch of Mildred’s skin and the knowledge that Mildred is seeking out contact steadies Gwen. She can do this. She can be what Mildred needs, just as Mildred has been for her through so many difficult and painful days. “I’m right here darling. You’re safe Mildred. You tell me what you need from me and I will do it.” Mildred doesn’t answer, and Gwen rubs her fingers along Mildred’s hand. “I’m here.”

They sit together in silence for several moments, Gwen wondering what she should be doing right now. She’s never seen Mildred like this and wishes she knew how to help. “Do you want me to talk or just sit here with you?” Maybe Mildred will be soothed by Gwen’s voice like she is after a nightmare, when she’s still stuck between two worlds and needs Gwen to pull her into the present?

Gwen hears Mildred’s shuddering breath. “I’m ok. I need to get out of the shower. Would you wait for me outside?” Mildred asks meekly, the request followed immediately by a tearful sounding “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize for telling me what you need. I’ll be right outside.”

Gwen collapses on the bed, tears burning at her eyes. She loves Mildred so much she aches with the intensity of it, and she just wants to make Mildred feel safe and loved. Gwen has come to realize that Mildred has never had that before in her entire life, and yet she has shown so much love to Gwen, such care and devotion. Gwen needs to live up to what Mildred deserves, to finally have someone who shows her real love.

Mildred walks out of the bathroom wrapped in a robe. She seems collected, back straight, and Gwen worries for a second that Mildred has swallowed down whatever was troubling her and is going to deny anything was wrong. But then Mildred meets Gwen’s eyes, and says “I owe you an explanation.”

Gwen shakes her head. “You don’t owe me an explanation, darling. I hope it might help you to share what you’re feeling with me, but only if you want to.”

“Can we go downstairs and make coffee first?”

“Anything you want.”

“I want to tell you Gwen. I promised I wouldn’t keep anymore secrets from you, and I won’t.” Mildred’s eyes fill with tears and it breaks Gwen’s heart.

“Darling, that isn’t what I meant.” Gwen rings her hands, desperate to touch Mildred, but frozen, not wanting to pressure Mildred into any touch that doesn’t feel safe.

“I had a dream about what happened to Edmund and me in that home,” Mildred is looking down, away from Gwen, and it makes Gwen physically ache with the desire to hold Mildred and reassure her, “The last home,” Mildred clarifies, “the one where they made us…” Mildred’s voice trails off for a moment, and then she seems to gather her strength and meet Gwen’s eyes. “I know that I need to tell you, but the way I touched Edmund and the way they made him touch me, I don’t think you’ll ever want to hold me after that.”

Gwen feels like someone has punched her in the stomach. She hadn’t realized, had never even imagined that Mildred harbored this worry. “Mildred.” Gwen stands, wants nothing more than to hold the women she loves in her arms. “Can I hug you?” Mildred nods, tears falling down her cheeks, and Gwen wraps her arms around Mildred, relieved as Mildred returns the embrace. “I am not going anywhere, do you hear me? I love you so much my heart could burst from it. Nothing you tell me will ever change that.”

Gwen feels Mildred shaking her head against Gwen’s shoulder, tears now wetting Gwen’s skin. Every time Mildred cries Gwen feels like crying herself. There’s so much that Mildred has buried for so long in a life that has largely been spent alone without anyone to care for her. “You’re safe. I’m here. You can tell me everything when you’re ready, and I will not be going anywhere. You’re never going to be alone again.” Mildred’s hold is so tight that Gwen’s ribs ache with it. But that doesn’t matter, because Mildred is here in Gwen’s arms. Mildred’s tears soak Gwen’s pajamas, as they hold tightly to each other, not moving from their bedroom. This moment matters, Gwen knows, knows she needs to get this right for Mildred. Gwen presses a soft kiss to Mildred’s hair. “I’m here, and I’m yours. Nothing can change that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has more explicit discussion of child abuse and sexual abuse. I'm sorry for all the angst. I promise my next story will have an abundance of fluff to make up for it.

Mildred has always tried not to think about the things that had happened to her in that house. But since she found Edmund, the memories have come flooding back. When she confronted him about Dolly and he had stroked Mildred’s arm and made a joke about having to make do with her if he couldn’t have a real woman, Mildred had felt sick, felt just like she did as a little girl on that stage. It wasn’t Edmund’s fault, she reminds herself every time she sees him. Edmund suffered the same way Mildred had, and it wasn’t his fault anymore than it was hers. But since that day in the basement of Lucia Hospital, Edmund’s presence has felt dangerous. Mildred owed him a debt for saving her, but she would never again be able to find safety in his presence. It hurt to lose the only person in her life who she had felt truly safe with before Gwen.

The nightmares started when Mildred found Edmund, so many different nightmares, but the worst were of being on the puppet stage again. Sometimes they were children, but sometimes they were grown, and that was so much worse. None of it was Edmund’s fault, but in her dreams, he would hold her down and touch her. And Mildred woke up feeling so terribly ashamed.

Mildred can’t think about any of that when she’s near Gwendolyn. Gwen who is so pure and good, and Mildred cannot still have this on her mind when Gwen is touching her. But Mildred can’t stop thinking about the dream now as Gwen holds her. Gwen keeps telling Mildred she loves her and will never leave her, but Gwen doesn’t know the truth. She doesn’t know that before she had ever touched Mildred with her mouth that Edmund had done the same.

That thought makes Mildred feel sick. She thinks of his mouth on her and she thinks she might throw up. She should pull away from Gwen, leave her arms, but Mildred can’t bring herself to move away from the comfort and love Gwen offers so freely, so undeservedly. Mildred’s mind flashes to a memory of her mouth on Edmund then, and that is worse. She sobs against Gwen, when she should be gathering herself and leaving Gwen alone to find someone who truly deserves her.

Mildred had never put her mouth on another man, could never bring herself to. But with Gwen it feels so good to give her pleasure and to be so intimate with the woman she loves. But, oh how could she have done that to Gwen. Gwen will surely never want Mildred’s mouth on her again when she knows.

Gwen is still holding Mildred tightly, rocking her, and whispering to her. Mildred forces herself to take a few measured breaths to stop her sobs before she pulls away. Gwen’s hands travel down to weave her fingers with Mildred’s. “I’m here darling,” Gwen says, fingers squeezing Mildred’s. “We can talk whenever you feel ready. I am not going anywhere.”

Mildred holds Gwendolyn’s eyes, focuses on how steady her words are, how much love Mildred can see in those kind, blue eyes. Mildred sits on the edge of bed, keeping their hands linked together. She’s going to tell Gwen. She has to say it and find out whether Gwen will really stay once she hears the details.

“Edmund used his mouth on me,” Mildred blurts out, unable to look at Gwen at first as she speaks. “They made him. We were both so young we hardly understood anything they were telling us at first. But if we didn’t do what they wanted they would hurt us. Never in a way that would leave marks. They would shove our heads under water in the bath or tie us up and leave up alone in the dark until we soiled ourselves.” Mildred didn’t mean to say this much, didn’t mean to share this until she had seen if Gwen was repulsed by her. But Gwen is stroking Mildred’s hands with her fingers, and Mildred feels so safe that the words keep pouring out of her. “I was so scared, the first few times I froze when I was on the stage. I just stood there while Edmund took my clothes off and touched me with his fingers and then later with his mouth. They said the audience liked it and so at first I didn’t have to do anything. But then they wanted me to touch him. I used my mouth. I am so sorry Gwen. I should have told you this before we were together. You should have known who I was and what I did before you agreed to be intimate with me.”

Gwen squeezes Mildred’s hands before pulling her right hand away. For a second fear overtakes Mildred and then Gwen’s hand is cupping her cheek and Gwen is looking Mildred in the eyes and telling her, “I love you. The abuse that you suffered does not make me love you or want you any less. You are not soiled because of what happened to you. Please, please darling.” Gwen is crying then, and Mildred hates when Gwen cries, hates terribly to be the cause of it. “I need you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful and so wonderful. I don’t know how to –“ Gwen stops, a sob breaking free from her mouth. She’s sobbing and pleading with Mildred. Can Gwen really be so upset by what Mildred just said? Gwen lets out another sob before taking a shuddering breath and continuing, “How can I convince you that all that changes when you tell me this is that I am even more amazed by your strength?”

“You still want to be with me? You still want to touch me and let me touch you, even knowing what I’ve done.”

“Yes, a million times, yes.” Gwen’s thumb caresses Mildred’s cheek, wiping away the tears that Mildred had hardly realized were still falling. Gwen leans forward slowly, gives Mildred time to move away. “Is this ok? Can I kiss you, darling?”

Mildred answers with her mouth on Gwen’s. Mildred is overwhelmed, hardly believes this is real, her heart is pounding, and her hands are beginning to shake. Gwen must notice because when they pull back, Gwen smiles at Mildred softly and then pulls Mildred into her arms. Mildred is boneless in Gwen’s embrace. “Breathe,” Gwen whispers, hands rubbing soothing circles on Mildred’s back. “Just breathe my love. We’re ok. Breathe.” It’s only then that Mildred realizes she must be hyperventilating. She takes a deep breath, feels Gwen’s hands on her back, another breath. Gwen’s here, Gwen’s holding her. Mildred said the awful thing, and Gwen is still here.

Gwen is maneuvering them so they’re laying against the pillows. Mildred is exhausted and so overwhelmed, the tinge of fear still present and the memories from her dream still with her. But Gwen’s arms are safe. Mildred is safe. She hasn’t cried this hard in years, doesn’t know if she ever has now that she considers it. She nearly apologizes to Gwen but thinks that will probably hurt the other woman. Instead, Mildred tilts her head up from where she is resting against Gwen’s chest and presses a kiss to Gwen’s jaw before murmuring “Thank you.”

“Whatever for?”

“This. Everything.”

“Then thank you,” Gwen replies. “For trusting me. For loving me. I am so grateful.”

“It really doesn’t matter to you that I did that with Edmund?”

Gwen shifts them so that she is looking into Mildred’s eyes. “Of course it matters to me. It matters that you were hurt. But it would never make me want you less. I look at the woman you are, the brilliant, kind woman you are, and I am amazed by you.” Mildred shakes her head, cannot quite fully understand why this woman loves her so much. “You have made the last three months the most wonderful of my entire life. Even the days when I feel so sick I can hardly move, those are still the most glorious days because I am with you.”

Gwen’s eyes are bright with tears, and Mildred feels a lump in her throat, her own eyes burning again. How can this be real? How can Gwen really be hers to love? “All I want is to love you,” Mildred says.

Gwen leans forward and kisses Mildred gently. For a moment they stay close, simply breathing in the same air.

“You can tell me anything,” Gwen speaks softly into the space between them, “Your memories or nightmares or fears. None of it will make me leave. I don’t know how to explain how terribly grateful I am that you shared this with me. I just want you to know you can share anything with me.”

“I don’t think I want to talk more about the past right now.”

“That’s ok too darling. You can tell me anything you need at your own pace. As long as I am with you, then I have everything I need.”

“I will be right here with you as long as you will have me Gwendolyn.”

“That is forever, darling. I promise you.” Gwen’s eyes focus on Mildred, her expression suddenly so serious.

“I believe you.” The words are out of Mildred’s mouth, and it’s only when she hears them that she realizes that it is completely true. “Can we lay here for a while? I just want to hold you.”

“It’s Saturday. We can stay here all day. Anything you want.”

“You,” Mildred says as she nuzzles her face into Gwen’s neck.

Gwen kisses Mildred’s head and strokes her hair, and Mildred feels so safe and loved. “You have me.”


End file.
